Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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