The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
