singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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