I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just forgot I was standing up.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
