Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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