so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
As shirtless as possible
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He? As in you personified your dick?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
