ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
