I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
did i just pee glitter
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
