How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
