Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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