Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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