the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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