i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
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