she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
