god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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