What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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