you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
