If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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