new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
