your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
