I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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