I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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