Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
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He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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