I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
