you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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