Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
