Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
