How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
