a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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