When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
