Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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