Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
