my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Randomize
