If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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