I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
