So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
