I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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