Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
