Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
