All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
