im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Drunk is not a location!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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