maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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