he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
