I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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