I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
