I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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