this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You're earring is so big in my mouth
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
so much tequila, so little girl.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
