If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
