What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
