Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize