I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
