1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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