Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
