im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
