He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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