is your mom at the bar?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
