My girlfriend figured out who you are.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
