He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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