Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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