I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
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there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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